We all think we know what life is going to be like after making the life changing decision of having kids. We know life will change, but we just have no clue how much. Here’s a peek.
1. ON DELIVERY
Before Kids: A well researched birthing plan that includes water hypno-birthing, scented candles, no pain medication and a certified midwife.
After Kids: Epidural, two crappy chocolate doughnuts from the hospital cafeteria and slice the baby out of me so we can move on.
2. ON BABIES
Before Kids: Fragile, noisy, breakable decorations.
After Kids: Fragile, noisy, irreplaceable essentials. And that smell.
3. YOUR BRAIN
Before Kids: A coherent optimal processing unit that helps you focus, produce and inspire.
After Kids: A schizophrenic mushy blob that can’t retain information and refuses to show up when you need it most.
4. JUDGMENT OF OTHER MOMS
Before Kids: I’ll do it better.
After Kids: We’re all in this together ladies!
5. TODDLER TEARS MAKE YOU
Before Kids: Go running towards the noise and frantically try to solve the problem
After Kids: Grab your phone and check Facebook until it stops.
Before Kids: The bane of your existence especially at malls and airports.
After Kids: A life (and back) -saving device that you would rather prostitute yourself for than go without
7. YOUR DAY JOB
Before Kids: A drag.
After Kids: Freedom.
8. OTHER MOMS
Before Kids: Overactive mouthpieces for the mundane tricks their little monkeys have performed
After Kids: The only type of human on earth who can truly understand the pride swelling inside you when your child drinks from a big-girl cup or wipes her own butt for the first time.
9. ON COFFEE
Before Kids: Pleasure
After Kids: Survival
10. ON ALCOHOL
Before Kids: Entertainment
After Kids: Sanity
11. THE BATHROOM WHEN THE DOOR IS SHUT
Before Kids: Do your business and get out.
After Kids: A safe haven of privacy and solitude where a few precious minutes are stolen.
12. THE BATHROOM WHEN THE DOOR IS OPEN
Before Kids: Doesn’t happen, or no one cares.
After Kids: Dealing with baffling questions like: Mommy why do you have a beard on your peepee?
13. ON SEX
Before Kids: Bring it on, Baby!
After Kids: Bring the baby, he’s crying.
Before Kids: If they have kids, you don’t know them.
After Kids: If they have kids, you’re not going. If you have kids, you’re not invited.
Before Kids: Luxury and relaxation
After Kids: I don’t want any more little hands touching me!!!
16. GOING OUT
Before Kids: Dress, heels, makeup, lotion, hair, perfume and done!
After Kids: Ok I changed into a clean t-shirt, let’s go.
17. YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE
Before Kids: High-powered performance and output, well on the path to career success.
After Kids: An unamusing oxymoron.
Don’t tell me you don’t escape into the bathroom for personal time out! What are your top 5 perspective shifts?